I learned something about myself today. It was when I was crossing from one country to another. Argentina to Brazil actually. Even though I have done this literally dozens of times now and know that there is nothing to fear, I still do. It is like some sort of unknown that rises up inside of me. My Fear Today, I discovered that my fear is actually based on control... and losing it. During that moment that I am between borders, I have no control at all over my circumstances. Anything may and could well happen, and I have no say at all. That scares me. The Legacy of Control You see, in discovering that this control thing was what worried me, I also started looking at my life and realising that I have always been in control. Money has never lacked in my household, and even before I held a licence I was a car owner. Even now I do not lack monetarily. This gives me control. It is not just this however. Knowledge gives me control too. I have always been good at what I do, and pick things up very fast. I guess that is why I feel very embarrassed and ill-equipped to do anything for which I do not feel completely "ready" for (read that as being totally trained in - to expert status). Control does not stop here, because as I was thinking even more about my life, I realise that perhaps one of the reasons I still remain single is for this very reason. Control over my choices. What if I choose someone now and a "better" person turns up just aftewards... was my catch-cry. It has kept me single until now, although other factors were at play such as fear of commitment and so on (but does this also stem from control?). Always better than those around me, always more knowledgeable, always with sufficient money, always researching things to the N-th degree. Control. It feels good. No. It feels great. The Fear So that is why, when I make the crossing to another country, I feel scared. For once in my life I lack control. For once I am at the mercy of another person and have no say as to the outcome of it all. Of course there are rules and regulations and most of the time there will not be a problem at all. That is not what I fear. It is the unknown. The uncontrolable. The slight chance of a failure in the system, of me being singled out for something. Whether I am guilty or not does not matter. It is being out of control. The Reality Probably for these very reasons, I rarely need God. Oh sure, I know He is around, and I have seen some true miracles too, but most of the time I AM IN CONTROL thank you very much. Move over God because I have the reins and know quite clearly what I need to do. Or so I think. So here we have, through a border crossing, one of the root causes for me being so independent of God. Why would I need God when I am in perfect control? Why do I need to pray when I have sufficient money for my needs? It is an interesting position to examine. What Does God Say? An old proverb says something along the lines of, "God, do not give me too much that I would forget about you, nor too little that I would steal and bring shame to your name, but give me just enough that I would acknowledge you all of my days." So does this mean that I have too much? God is not a crutch, that we need Him only in the tough times, but it is very true that we easily forget about Him when we are self-sufficient. That is why He said that it was very hard for a "rich man" to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. What is a "rich man"? Simply look around you. If you live in a 1st world country then that is rich. Tough line I know, but until you get to see how the rest of the world lives, you only have yourselves to compare against. I too, am included in that group. My Dilemma So here is my dilemma. How do I let go of the control that I have now started to see in me. Do I give away all of my money to the poor and depend on God to cover me for every need? There are strong Biblical precendents in this. Do I stop learning new things and let myself be involved in them without a high level of knowledge? This decision would affect more than just me. Just how do I go about letting go of control? Why do I need to let go of control? Because if I really want to know God, then He is the one who must have control. Control of my life, of my finanzas, of my directions. While I still have the control then God is a co-pilot that really does nothing until I am out of control - and I want to know God. So somehow I need to let go of MY control and give it over to God. I suspect that this will be harder than it sounds. But the first step has already been taken. You cannot change anything that you do not know about. Now that I know about this issue it is open to change. That is at least a small step along the way to change. Maybe one day I will be able to say that God truly does have the control. Just as He has always asked of me.